December 22, 2016 Catherine Mendoza 2Comment

So far, it’s one of the best decisions I’ve made.

Some relationships just fall apart, because they were meant to. But don’t let it wreck you. Forgive and move on.

I didn’t know whether it was wrong or right. I didn’t know why I backed out. He sought forgiveness a hundred times and the only word he knew to say was “sorry.” I didn’t want him to feel worthless, but I wanted him to feel guilty for what he did, for what he didn’t do. To make him realize how much tormented I was in believing a big promise that was fragmented. But, for some weird reason I can’t explain, I felt guilty upon hearing him deplore the situation.

Some people asked me why I found it easy to break away. I said, “He broke his promise, he couldn’t keep his word, he was far from me, he couldn’t make sacrifices. And if he really loved me, he would do everything in his means to be with me.”

I asked myself the same question over and over. I wanted to get a clear answer. But I got to the point that I got tired of searching. In the end, I wanted to hear the answer straight from him.

In life, we don’t always get what we want. Sometimes, we just have to accept what’s in front of us. We can’t change that. People make mistakes. People say and do stupid things sometimes. They can say sorry whenever they want to and sometimes, you become stupid and believe them all over again.

During those times, my heart was lonely.  I found myself crying before going to bed and trying to get back the ghost of yesterday. I could not bear that. I loved him so much that even if I was hurt deeply, I still couldn’t afford to see him suffering from my wrath and revenge.

I thought that he was an asshole who was trying to fool me. He had no guts to do things on his own. He couldn’t even exert some effort for me, for us. He didn’t do anything to sustain our long distance relationship even if I was trying to help him. He was afraid to take the risk. We’re completely opposite. He always plays it safe. I, on the other hand, take a lot of risks.

Looking back on our memories together, however, he wasn’t that kind of person who played over someone’s heart. In fact, he loved me in his own way which I never experience in my past relationships. Some of my friends laughed at me for loving him, but I didn’t care. People seem to believe only what their naked eyes can perceive, but never the heart that wholly beats, because they never saw the real him. I did. He’s a pure soul. He’s a good man. The only one I knew in my life who genuinely made me happy, laughed at my silliness and always wanted to bring out the best in me. Even when we fell apart, he never gave up. I saw the sincerity deep inside him. I saw it in his eyes. Deep within him is a lonely soul who wants to be forgiven for the mistake he never wanted to commit.

And I deeply admired him for admitting his mistakes. For me, it was one of a kind. Not every guy can be man enough to acknowledge his fault and mistakes.

Things were tough and rough between us. And frankly speaking,  I no longer found him sexually appealing and I hated him every time we chatted. I felt the love wane. You know that feeling when you’re holding grudges over someone? You feel uneasy.  I couldn’t sleep. I felt bad. I kept asking questions and reminiscing our past.

But then again, I also questioned myself for forgiving him. It was like a murderer was pardoned. Why and how did I arrived at this point?

One of my friends was shocked upon learning that I forgave my ex-boyfriend that fast. I didn’t know what to tell her, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t care about whatever was on her mind. It was my own decision. I wanted to know, too. Was it wrong or right? Was it too soon for me? Was I too nice? Was I too kind? What the hell was wrong with me? There was a myriad of questions in my head.

But then again, why did he do this? Why didn’t he do that? Eventually I got tired debating with my inner self. Then one day, I wanted to stop.

One night, when we were almost fighting again on Skype, I just blurted out, “Hey, it’s okay. All apologies accepted.”

He was shocked. He couldn’t believe what he just heard and at the same time, he was thankful. So was I.

I forgave him after countless apologies. I decided to bury the hatchet and accepted his apology and I knew it was the best decision I’ve ever made. We started moving on separately. And for me, it was one of the modest favors I’ve done not only for him but also for myself. I’m complete again. I’m no longer holding grudges.

I guess, forgiving doesn’t need much time, at least for me. When a heart is pure, it doesn’t forget easily, but it genuinely forgives. I’m naturally a kind hearted person.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMypV8KD6YO/?taken-by=escapesanddiaries

So why did I decide to finally forgive him after just 3 months of falling apart? Simply because I still love him and animosity has no more room in my heart. And no, we didn’t get back together. We remained friends. No more lovers. But I knew that somehow, between our fun-filled conversations, he’s hopeful that everything will fit back to where it belongs. I’m not closing my door.

A warm and pure heart will find no reason not to forgive even the unforgivable.

After that, we became pretty chummy again. The closeness between us sometimes becomes weird. There are no grudges, no silent treatment, no anger. Only pure love and kindness offered to each other.  I feel better and I can sleep better. Things are way much easier, lighter and more hopeful. I found happiness and peace—feelings that I lost during those times that I was engulfed by pain and darkness. And the future has become brighter.

As I’ve had episodes of my life like this before, I believe there are people who need to be forgiven without even realizing they needed to. I know it’s not easy to do, but you can. And simply, do what’s best for you. Move on and be happy.

Forgiving someone gives you a swift modest feeling. A sensation that won’t make you less of a sweetheart but beautifully nourishes your soul. Stop holding grudges in your heart and you will create a new wonderful beginning you never expected would happen.

 

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