He left me wondering by leaving the group chat. We were 4 happy people in it. Me, my sister, my other close friend Cai, and him, my best friend. We’ve been friends for a decade now and our friendship is made to last. We’re bestfriends.
I was beyond delighted to finally see them all again after weeks of traveling around South East Asia and couldn’t wait for their reactions when they see the souvenirs and gifts I bought for them, especially for him. I knew he was going to love it even though I felt something was off when he left our group chat. Despite that, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He must be having some problems, i thought at the back of my mind. I was bothered. I kept asking in my mind, “Why did you leave the group chat?” So, I sent him a message on Facebook. He didn’t reply. Although, I saw he was active. He even posted something to his wall which I saw on my newsfeed.
Then, one afternoon, he seemed aloof when he came home. He didn’t smile or even say hi. Maybe because I was in the middle of my class that time (I’m working from home). He didn’t even strike a conversation with me, contrary to what I was hoping since I was away for a while. I thought of surprising him with the Starbucks mug I bought for him during my travel around Malaysia. “Will he take this or not?” I was in hesitant. On my next break, I was audacious enough to initiate a conversation.
“Are you leaving, too?” I asked him, feeling a little nervous.
“Yes,” he replied in a low tone while starting to take his clothes off the closet. I reckoned he was going to say that, but I honestly wasn’t prepared to hear it. Whereas, Cai, who also lived with us, advised me he was leaving 2 weeks before he moved out.
“I see,” I continued as I felt the glumness running over me. Why? I interrogated again. “Because i’m going to have a new job and the place I’m going to stay in is free and closer to my workplace.” I belted up for a while and finally said, “Okay then. I’m gonna miss you.” I was almost crying.
I still found a way to ask him what was wrong and the real reason he was leaving. Was it because I sent messages on our group chat in capital letters when I got mad because of what I saw in our flat? Was it because I was angry with them for not cleaning the bathroom and dumping the garbage which became a breeding ground for maggots? (They both knew I’m afraid of worms and I cry when I see one.) I tried to be coherent as much as I could just to make him feel that I wasn’t bad at all for treating them in such a way. I know I’m always like a monster or a predator, but I have a big heart and I’ve never eaten or beaten a prey. Sometimes I’m like a dragon, but one who is lovable and never kicks them out of space, and I truly appreciate them and love to have them around. I feel happy whenever we’re having crazy sex talks and sharing stories about boys on the messenger group.
I guess his decision was final and that whatever I said would never change his mind. He was leaving and he was serious. Seeing and watching him pack up all his stuff slowly shattered my heart into pieces but there was nothing I could do. You know sometimes, people leave you. That’s the sad reality.
Seeing both of them pack and gather up all their stuff at the same time made me feel lonesome. It shatters my heart to see the people I love leave and it feels much worse when I realize that I can’t stop them even if I want to, because they need to leave.`
That same afternoon when my best friend left, I told to Cai that I was hurt, not because he was moving out of the roof we used to share but because he didn’t give me a heads up. I’m not clingy or anything like that. Maybe I am. But the moment I saw him leave, I felt like I was left behind by a boyfriend. I was crestfallen, and there was literally nothing I could do about it.
That night I kept contemplating what really went wrong. I urged myself that I needed to send him a message conveying my sentiment, so I did. The conversation on messenger was emotional. He said it wasn’t his intention to make me grieve. I frankly told him that he seemed so cold towards me.
“What’s wrong? Is everything okay?” I asked. He said there was nothing. He said sorry for making me feel uncomfortable about his moving out. As for me, I totally had nothing against anyone moving out of my own flat. I mean, of course they can do whatever they want to or leave whenever they want to because it’s their life and I have no right to stop them. He said that he’s coming back to visit me sometimes and we’re surely gonna have some coffee, or go swimming together again.
That was when I came to realize to myself that the people you care about the most will never be staying with your forever no matter what. I now believe that everything has its end. Our friendship won’t end, but not seeing him for a while or our time together under one roof coming to an end casts a gloom on me. I will surely miss the laughter when we were talking about sex and boys and the discovery of 90% of each other’s secrets. I’m afraid bits and pieces might never be the same again. Hopefully not. I’m holding on to the fact that we’re super best friends and nothing’s gonna change.
I love my best friend and his moving out of my own space completely saddens me. He has his own life, I know, and I have mine but the fact that we’re not gonna see each other every day will make such a huge difference and I will truly miss him. We were inseparable, like a couple. That even when we were traveling together, people would mistake us for lovers, so I would always prod him to stay away from me, so that I could attract boys’ attention by joke and they could approach me.
“Sometimes, good people will leave you eventually and you can’t wind that up. That’s the reality, because they have a choice to make. Living their life without you sometimes is no such big deal for them, but you’re still part of them and you’ll be each other’s armour in the future. “
I must admit, I got used to seeing him and my other close friend around every day for many months and living with them felt like bliss for me. We may not always share the same meals on a daily basis, but the bonding is unparalleled and I really love it. We treat each other like super best friends and like family, back then. I was their big sister—sometimes, their mother. The one who would prepare meals for them and clean the entire flat after they left a big mess when they would leave for work. I would yell at them whenever something was not well organized.
And because he’s one of the best people I care for the most, the volume of my melancholy almost reached to the summit. And the day I was never expecting came. He’s one of the trustworthy people I love and cherish the most and I hope that he comes by to visit me. We will have a barbecue party and go swimming again, or drink beer on the balcony while watching the traffic jam. Or maybe next time, he will have more crazy things to say about his lovelife. I can’t wait for that day.