October 26, 2016 Catherine Mendoza 2Comment

“Can we talk tonight?”

 

A Skype message popped up—a message she received after several days of intentionally ignoring his calls and messages.

At first, she didn’t want to take the Skype call, because she wasn’t willing to talk or listen to him. She was preparing a meal for herself after her daily short yoga and meditation session at her flat. While her pride was screaming at her, she took the call over the long haul.
“I don’t want to talk about it right now. I’m a bit exhausted. Now is not the right time,” she said, feeling disgruntled.
“What is it all about? Tell me,” he insisted with grieving voice. “Let’s just talk about it later tonight.
She argued but apparently, she began putting together all the pictures. ”It’s about us.”
“I already sensed that, given the fact that you’ve been ignoring my calls but I just want to hear it straight from you.”
Okay. This. Us. You. Me. I don’t feel like something is progressing between us. I feel like I have been waiting so long already, waiting for nothing. I’m getting tired.”
Tears started to roll down her cheeks. She sobbed. She disabled the web camera for him not to see her crying. She remembered the last time she also turned the waterworks for begging him over Skype to come home. This time, she wanted to avoid the supervening act.
I’m sorry” were the only words he spoke.

“I’m sorry because I can’t be there. What do you want?”
She looked him in the eye. “You know what I want.”
I’m sorry,” he continued, “I can’t give you what you want. I can’t be there. I am pursuing a dream. I know you don’t understand but one day you will.”
She chewed over for a moment. She maybe never got the drift of the thing that he liked that she was not engaged in. Something that he only did for himself and not for her. Not event for the both of them. Solely for himself. She knew it, but she chose to love. Still, she wants to be part of it.
“Listen,” he continued, “if you want end this up and finish everything, it’s up to you. I still love you and I still care about you.”
Bullshit!” she exclaimed in a grumbling voice.  “Love? Do you call this love? How can you even call this love? This is not fucking love! If you truly love someone, then do something to be with her. Don’t just say sorry for being away!” Boy, be a man!

 

She ended the Skype call.

 

She completely understood that from the beginning, distance was the main reason why they were having issues. But she had a question in her head: What if distance was not the reason why something was not up to par?
She shut the call while crying herself out. He, on the other hand, was feeling devastated. It was more than painful than she imagined.  They were both devastated. They were not lovers anymore yet they still profoundly loved each other. But things were not going their way.

 

As they were trying hard to reinvent the relationship and get closer, they were also trying to rationalize all their actions. They both figured that things weren’t making sense anymore.
Until one day, she started to question herself.

Did he really love me? Did he really care for me? Did he just give me what I deserved? Did he give me what I wanted?”
She decided to leave for good. She made up her mind. She wanted to run away. Sure, he could still send her instant messages, but she wanted to be on her own this time. She faced herself and never doubted to let go even though it would wreck her. She realized that she should live her life without having to wait for something that was almost impossible to happen anytime soon.  She fully understood that he couldn’t make big decisions right now because of the distance and she never rushed him from the start, but the fact that both of them were suffering from the pain was undeniably unacceptable

 

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In the bargain, she realized she was a liberty taker. She wasn’t the priority. He had dreams he wanted to chase. Sadly, her contribution wasn’t needed. She never knew. It was too late for her to figure that out.  He never let her understood. People could be selfish sometimes without realizing, so they couldn’t notice the pain felt by the other person. It’s not fair. It’s plainly wrong.

And please don’t fuckin’ talk about love if you don’t even know how to show it. Love is not only expressed through words, but also through actions. It’s not just about taking; it’s about giving and sacrificing. But love doesn’t always mean suffering. Why suffer when there are many ways to be happy and enjoy life?

 

She truly believes that if you love someone, you will do whatever it takes to make the person happy. Love is giving your best. Stop being sorry for the things you can’t do. Look for a way!
She cried. Of course it was fuckin’ normal. But it made her bold on the other side. Saying goodbye was not an easy thing to do. She fought and she believed.  He said she could still ring him, get in touch with him but she didn’t think she could do that. She wanted to be away and be healed. She believed time would alleviate all the torture. But she was not afraid to cry. It was her way of facing life’s irony.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMC4w8oj1lT/?taken-by=escapesanddiaries

Now, she’s back to scratch, but she’ll be fine. She’s a very optimistic person and she believes that there’s always a silver lining. She believes it’s part of growing up. There are lessons are to be learned. She’s stronger. She believes that what doesn’t kill her makes her stronger. She’s a woman. She’s a real one.

 

The more you cry, the more you feel better. So it’s okay. Believe that in the end, things will get better. Just learn to love yourself. Why do you cry for someone who’s not even willing to take the risk, exert effort, or make a sacrifice for you? Ridiculous.

 

Three weeks later, a message popped on Skype. It was him. Again. He said hi and asked how everything was going.  Boy, she felt better this time. She doesn’t hate, but she learned her limits.

 

Giving your everything to someone is easy to do, but be prepared if less returns to you. Expect less and be happier. Words are easy to say. Actions are difficult to do. But it’s vital. It’s an evidence of love.

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