June 1, 2016 Catherine Mendoza 5Comment

 

“Some people just can’t keep their promises and will just leave you a permanent scar.”

To begin everything with, I’d like to let you know that you were someone I admired in every aspect. The one I wanted to share the rest of my life with, the one I promised myself once to see waiting for me as I walk down the aisle. Our relationship was a long distance love, we were a thousand miles apart, but we managed to preserve it in the most magnificent way despite other people judging and telling us that we were never gonna make it because of the distance and time difference. It’s true, evidently. Nevertheless, we were sweet. I could picture us like a perfect couple in the naked eyes of people. Even some of my friends would envy me for having a guy like you who’s been so fateful, bold and affectionate – a man of his word, a one-woman man that I could proudly boast to everyone. We trusted each other that cheating or other unnecessary issues as a long distance couple were never a problem during those lovely years that we were together. I’ve been so very proud of you and us for successfully establishing that relationship and I valued it a lot. It was almost like a fairytale for me.

 

One day, you turned my world upside down.

You left. You dumped me. How did that happen? Our small argument on the night of December 30, a day before the New Year welcomed, that’s where it all started. That night I was heading back to my hometown, it’s a country side where the internet was not available, rather the connection was poor. I asked you to please wait for me online after I finished all my classes so that we could catch up since we haven’t talked for almost a week as your internet at home was down. You said yes so I was glad but when I was done with my stuff, you went sleeping. You said you were tired and I should understand, so I did. I was furious by your act and I unintentionally said nasty things. In contrast, you didn’t get the picture of it, I actually wanted to talk to you and greet you happy holidays. Instead, you got irked and hung up on Skype, deleted your Facebook account and didn’t get in touch with me for 13 days in total. I was depressed waiting for your replies. What happened?

“And even if I knew what was coming for me, I still wasn’t prepared and it hurts like hell”.

I only hoped that we could get the chance to patch things up so I sent you countless emails, Skype messages, and I even appealed to your mom and sister to please send me a response but you eluded. How could you ever do that to me when back then it only took a few hours or so for you to reply and smooth things over when we have fights? The questions in my mind were myriad. The day that I dreaded for arrived.

One hot afternoon, after shopping clothes and stuff for my first travel abroad, (I was even very excited to show my dresses I just bought) I received an email from you. Eager yet highly strung. Big sigh. My heart was beating fast.

“Thank you for all those years. Farewell.”

My jaw dropped. Hands clenched. Tears fell. Body trembled. Was this supposed to be a joke? It was the worst and depressing email I’ve ever read in my life. I knew from the very moment that it was real but I couldn’t take the pain I had, knowing every single thing of what we’ve invested in suddenly vanished in the air. There was nothing I could do but weep and drown in tears. I tried to reach out to you, sent countless emails, grounded for hope for any response but I received none.

I began to ask myself why? What have I done? What have I not done? I tried to scrutinize every possible little thing that I might have missed resulting to your decision of leaving. What went wrong? I was totally clueless.

Hey, did you forget the good times and the fabulous plans coming ahead of us? Some friends even asked me to get my visa to the USA much earlier so that I could get a cheaper flight and happily be with you for a couple of months or so, and did I even tell you that your mom advised me that I should get a fiancé visa instead of a tourist visa? I was keeping it secretly to surprise you how much your mom liked me. Remember our vacation plan to Marina Bay Sands in Singapore? It’s one our dreams, right? And, the big thing, our civil wedding. Ring a bell?

Where were all those promises? Where did they go? Why did you leave me? Why did you break my heart? I had endless nights of crying. I was severely shattered. You probably had no idea how much the heartbreak cost me. I swear on earth I forgot about everything in my life! As a matter of fact, I was so lost.

I sussed what it’s like getting broken promises. I always believed that you’re a man of your word, but you proved me wrong in one single snap.

I wish you could tell me your reasons so I could fully have peace in my heart and mind. If one day we run into each other again, I’d still want to know your reasons behind it.

Don’t worry, in spite of that unbearable heartbreak you caused me, I didn’t hate you, I was still thankful I loved you, that you exist in my life but at the same time, I felt deeply in my heart the pity for you. I wish I knew you and let me know your struggles so I could help you, but you were afraid to be honest with me, coward like you never used to be, a different persona that’s behind your striking countenance.

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I wanted to make myself believe that you just got tired that one day, you’ll be back and realize how much you want me, how much you love me, but it didn’t happen. It never happened. So I came to hit my head and dig into every line of my organs that you’re not even thinking of a major come back, never. And if you ever did, it’s not gonna be very special, rather it would just be a dream.

But, I am happy. I am thankful for all the struggles I’ve gone through. For the pain you caused me, for the sufferings I endured. I still thank you. You widely opened my eyes to reality. A reality I was turning my back on when you were with me. Thank you for breaking my heart, it gave me so many incredible chances to love myself and be free. Thank you for realizing you are not worthy for me, for letting me go like a bird finally free from its cage. Wherever on earth you are right now, I hope you’re happy and you find peace of mind.

After All the heartbreak, I learned a lesson the hardest way, love yourself first before you love someone else deeply. Love yourself the way you want to be loved by someone else. It’s priceless.

This made me realize that when something is not really meant for you, no matter how much you try to keep it, you can’t really have it.