October 6, 2016 Catherine Mendoza 6Comment

Dear Ex Boyfriend,

This is my open love-hate letter for you.

I was blind and robotic before I met you but I thought I’d let you know and I realized that I needed you and I wondered if I could come home with you. People may not have understood but I was happy with you, because you did things no one ever had done for me, one of them being the virtual tour which let me see Stockholm and imagine in my heart that we were walking together on a cold and windy summer day.

 

For the first time in my life, someone made me special in a very noteworthy way.

The first time we met was one of the most memorable events in my life. We were both strangers from two different sides of the world. It was fun and weird at the same time. There was no air of romance; just pure silliness and laughter coming from two real people while having a good time and getting to know each other on a rooftop bar.

We’d come up with a committed relationship—a relationship which I wasn’t ready for and a relationship you had no idea about, but we took the risk and gave it a shot. Luckily, it worked. But I guess faith is sometimes playful. We were separated by distance. We tried to fight for it, but distance got the better of us. I was never a fan of long distance relationships, as I’d been there and done stuff that didn’t work out.

I was on cloud 9 when you came back and made your promise. You proved to me that you were a man with one word.

I liked our love story. In fact, it was one of my most favorites. It was very different from the ordinary. People judged us, but we were never bothered because it was clear to us that they didn’t really know what was going around. When you love someone, you just love them.

The list of memories would be endless if I’d try to recall every piece of our shared moments together. They were cool and fun. We were a cool couple. We were natural. We were different from one another—an Asian girl who suddenly entered into a serious long distance relationship with a European guy who she never thought of loving one day. It was like solace. It just happened.

I could never forget that day we first walked to the beach together, a moment we’d been waiting for after learning that we shared common interests in life like beach bumming. And we also dreamed of someone to hold our hand while walking. We’re lazy people who just like to lie on the sand, sipping our favorite cocktail and beer while sunbathing. We were talking about our future like we knew what was going to happen. We were lovely. We were carefree.

Until one day, things started to go astray. The rainbow-colored love story just turned into black and white, but we didn’t want to admit that. Everything was gray. As they say, things don’t always go the way we want them to.  It’s like a theory that I cannot explain, but we lost our relationship because we became so confident that we forgot to sympathize with each other. The problem was we didn’t know how; we just knew it existed but couldn’t make progress. We were stuck.

The distance didn’t make us closer to each other. We got tired. To be honest, some things become monotonous. You were busy with your music and became indifferent. I never stopped you from pursuing your dream because it’s your passion and you wanted to follow your dad’s footsteps, but you never included me in it. You became selfish. All I wanted was a goal, a goal that two people wanted to achieve so that they could succeed together, but I never felt anything at all. Or maybe, I was so dependent on you that I forgot that I’ve had a life that I could enjoy; not waste on waiting for someone ignoring me. Still, I have no bad blood against you. It’s wrong to hate someone.

Our cultures were different, but it didn’t matter to us. You were accepted by my big family, but I wasn’t by yours. Or maybe I was. I was a bit clueless here. Still though, you were a very nice person and I am glad that you let me be me as myself during the times that we were together, for spoiling me with my tiny stuff and for treating me like a princess, because I was a little princess who you liked to see happy and smiling all the time.

I must admit that somehow, when our relationship was on the rocks, I noticed your flaws. Flaws I just wanted to ignore. For me, they were no big deal. I’m a liberty taker and I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I am not judgmental either. But I wish you did not take me for granted. I wish that you gave your best even though we didn’t know what was going to happen next. I believe the happiest people are the ones who are not afraid to take risks.

I wanted to believe you loved me as much as I loved you, that you’d do anything for me and fight for me but I guess I was wrong and I just made myself believe that you were that kind of guy. You were different, but you were the one I loved the most.

There were times I thought I was stronger and I could do everything on my own and I thought you were there but you left me just when I needed you most. You made me learned the hard way that even the people we thought who cared and thought about us the most could also let us down. In times of my own trouble, you showed me how to be responsible but didn’t help me to stand up. It was hard.

 

And I hate to say this, but I didn’t feel the love I deserved to get. I didn’t want to believe that I settled for less. You were not less but you missed the best things that were supposed to be shown, given and done without any words. I didn’t hate you for that, but I hated myself for letting myself take it all in and I wish I didn’t do because I didn’t need to.

You’re a wonderful person and I loved you. You proved to me that every nice girl like me should be treated right in every way possible. You’re a nice man. You were like a prince who was luckily found by a princess. You once told me that I was your princess and I believed you, but I just realized that if I were really your princess, then we should be under the same castle. But no, you were alone in your own castle, letting your princess be alone in the sadness of her own.

Somehow, you didn’t break my heart, but you broke my belief that long distance relationship works. I wish I wasn’t that fragile. I believed it was easy to handle that, because from the beginning of our long distance relationship, you let me hold you tight.

“We couldn’t find the missing pieces as time went by and so we just realized that, “Hey, what are we doing? And we kept silent.

 

I never thought we were never meant to be. I’m a person who believes in fate and in destiny. I once believed we were destined, but now I realize, maybe we never were.

Time flew fast and as I look back, I can’t believe that we lost almost everything we cared for. But for all the time wasted, time spent well and time unknown, I’m thankful.

And then we ended up making a choice. It was the only ability that was left. Either we continue or just leave. And we decided to do the latter. 

The mistakes we made could never be fixed, but could be avoided. We can always start a new beginning. Our life may have become different and a new stage is about to begin. We don’t blame each other in the end because we’re just human beings. I’m glad I met you and I don’t regret letting you into my world. You brought so much joy to my life. And every painful ending is a beautiful beginning. 

Sometimes we're better when we're on our own. Maybe this is our #destiny after all. #escapesanddiaries on her #journey of #lettinggo ?????

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Sometimes we’re better when we’re on our own. Maybe this is our destiny after all.