January 17, 2017 Catherine Mendoza 1Comment

“I’d rather see you weep because of my honesty than to endure the guilt of seeing you smile because of my lies. But my honesty didn’t make you stay. It only made you walk away, and bade a painful goodbye”

 

You kindled my hope for a great new year. A new beginning. For the first time in a while, I was gleeful.

When we met each other on Skype the night before I left for the Holidays, we talked about our plans for the coming year. Did you know how excited I was for about our date? The conventional kind of date that we both longed to have.

You also told me that night that you wanted me to wear red lipstick, because you thought it would look good on me. Not that you didn’t like me wearing no makeup. I was even your favorite barefaced girl.

We had been a thousand miles apart since February last year. God, I couldn’t imagine it had been that long! But we survived. We were amazing. We kept in touch despite numerous stumbles. We hated each other. We cried. We broke each other’s heart. But we managed to stick to each other.

I started mentioning to my family again—something I hadn’t done in a while—especially to my nieces who were asking me about you. They were asking when you would come back. I told them that if they learned to swim, you would reward them with Kinder Joy, a cute egg-shaped treat with a tiny toy inside.

My family were skeptical. They didn’t believe that we would get back together.

Despite their skepticism, I stayed confident that you would really come back to me. I trusted you. I trusted us. I knew us well enough.

We kept in touch all throughout. I was sending you photos taken wherever I went to, whatever I was doing. When I was preparing for New Year’s Eve, I even called you, so you could say hi to my family. I was happier than I was before.

When I went back to the city, we decided to schedule our date on January 5. I would take a leave from online work. We were both enthusiastic to reconnect. We said we would talk about what we had been doing on our own. We would talk about reconciliation and rekindling our long lost love. A second shot, I sensed. ( With so much hope in my heart) We were ecstatic. As prior to that, I avoided your calls and rarely replied to your messages while you were very eager to reach out to me. I really appreciate that.

Then two nights before our date, you asked about a specifif episode of my life that I first decided to hide about and eventually conveyed you the story. I thought being honest to you would bring us closer together. You never judged me even for that event for being jailed because of my recklessness. You cared so much about me that I knew if you were him, you would never let that happen to me.

And so that night, I was the most honest ex-girlfriend.

You had always been exceptional at concealing emotions, but you showed me your dread when you heard about the story straight from me. I expected you to accept it, so I was surprised when you said we shouldn’t talk the following day. You told me to wait for the night of our date. I waited. I was very fervent. I wanted to explain myself even though I didn’t need to. I thought you would give the chance to tell you what I wanted to say and not what you wanted to hear.

Sadly, the next day, you sent me a message saying that you couldn’t take the truth. My honesty. You were devastated. Why? I thought being honest to you would get us back and closer together. I thought it would make us start a brand new beginning. But it was the other way around. You wanted me to be be gone from your memory and your life because of what I did when we were not together.

But it’s my life, remember? We’re not together anymore and everything I did was for myself; not for anyone else. I hoped you didn’t make me feel guilty. I hoped you never judged me for the things I did.

You were weaker than I thought you were. You were my superhuman.  I wish you fought for me. I wish you held back your tears, because in the end, it would be worth it.

The date never happened. I still checked if you were online after you sent me your farewell message. I was hoping you would remember our date. Then it sank in: Maybe you remembered, but you were too angry to care.

You got hurt. So did I. You turned your back on me. You bade a painful goodbye. Our plans of meeting with each other again this year were suddenly washed away by the ocean. Every single plan in my mind was blown away by the wind. We will never meet again. This time, you’re the one who walked away.

If you were in my shoes, I would still give you a shot. I never erased you in my heart even though I had been to different places, meeting new people. My heart belonged to you and you alone. Being away from you was painful, but I willingly took the risk.

I had been keeping a precious part of me for someone I thought would be worth it. But you took it away from me without intending to keep it.

We were supposed to give our romance a second shot. We were waiting for it to happen but it never did. Sometimes, too much excitement leads you to disappointment and sadness in our hearts that sometimes gives scar. And plans? They’re just plans until they really happen.

I thought it was the best time for our second chance. It was all I wanted. To give a second chance to the love that was lost by time and two people loving each other so much despite the prodigious hindrances along their way and had try to keep the fire burning.

You had no idea how much I was excited to build a new life with you. You gave me the hope that I buried six feet under the ground. And yes, you broke my heart for the second time around, and this time, it’s much more painful. Love is just a losing game. Sometimes we love, we fight, we lose. And vice versa, and sometimes, the ending isn’t something we’ve longed for. No matter how much we wished for. We never always win.

I hope you’ll remember that you’re the only one I saw myself to be with in the future. The one I believed designed for me and even if you didn’t know, I never gave up on us. I always believed that love is sweeter the second time around and second chance was always chasing us. It was always on our side. It never left us. Never betrayed us. Maybe just now.

I will do whatever we planned together, with or without you. It feels miserable, but I know I can make it. When did I ever let anything beat me? Never! I conquered the prison cell, remember? Haha! Read:  https://www.escapesanddiaries.com/heart-pounding-breathtaking-sexy-photoshoot-landed-us-cell/

Our love failed to have its second chance. It didn’t see what tomorrow has for us. It failed to create and build our fate together. And we failed to be back in each others arms.

Perhaps sometimes, second chances are not always meant for two people from the beginning. Maybe, we will have our second chance. But not with each other. Maybe we belong to someone else’s arms. Whichever way it is, I am afraid of completely losing you.

 

We are always meant for something better